Friday, November 12, 2010

Joakim, You Can't Say That

Last week, I wrote about the feud brewing between Charlie Villanueva and Kevin Garnett.  I made a few jokes at Charlie's expense, calling him the most boring quasi-celebrity on Twitter and establishing Villanueva and Josh Boone as the ugliest frontcourt in the history of college basketball.

I thought that would be the only article that I would feel compelled to write that would include a section about the attractiveness of NBA players. I couldn't imagine a scenario in which I would find it necessary to devote an entire post to NBA players' looks (especially within 7 days of my previous post).  I could have imagined posts about my favorite NBA tattoos, funny NBA player arrest stories, maybe even sharing stories about bankrupt NBA players and how they spent their fortunes.  I never imagined I'd be talking about this again.

But then, yesterday morning I woke up to find that Joakim Noah had reignited the K.G. controversy by saying that K.G. was "a dirty player." He added that Garnett was, "a very mean guy ... ugly, too."

Now I take no issue with Joakim Noah's assertions that K.G. is a dirty player and that he is a mean guy. Both of those statements are probably true.

The issue that I raise is with Joakim Noah calling Kevin Garnett ugly. That presents a "pot & kettle" situation that I feel needs to be resolved right now.

Society has unwritten rules, one of which is that one person cannot accuse another of anything for which the accuser is guiltier than the accused.

For example, a crack dealer is not allowed to call a weed dealer a scumbag. They're off limits.  Both essentially have the same job, except the weed dealer pedals a less dangerous, less socially acceptable form of contraband.  For a crack dealer to call someone a scumbag, they need to find a lower target than themselves - like a pedophile, or Glenn Beck.

Its a simple formula. Its easy to understand. Its unwritten, but very clear.

Applying this formula to the Kevin Garnett-Joakim Noah feud, Joakim has clearly overstepped his bounds. In fact, according to my rankings, there is only one person in the entire NBA who Joakim Noah is allowed to call ugly.

A Daily Anything exclusive, I present the 10 ugliest players currently in the NBA:

DJ Mbenga
Andre Kirilenko
Zaza Pachulia
Hedo Turkoglu
Marquis Daniels
Delonte West
Shelden Williams
Charlie Villanueva
Joakim Noah
Chris Kaman


You may call your colleagues whatever you want.  Call them inferior players.  Call them dirty, mean, cheap.  You just cannot call them ugly.

Well, unless its Chris Kaman.



  1. Too bad you didn't go for all time NBA ugly. You coulda done George Mureson or Nick Van Exel

    And Lebron's mom might dispute #5 on your list.

  2. Sam Cassell is the ugliest person to ever walk to the face of the earth. Just hideous.