Wednesday, December 1, 2010

God I Hate Claymation Christmas Movies

Last night, Two Gun Shoogadooga was flipping through the television channels while I sat on the couch with Jess.  We stumbled upon ABC Family's "25 Days of Christmas" where they were playing the old claymation movie Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer.  Jess had spent the day decorating her house for Christmas and is starting to get into the holiday spirit, so she implored Two Gun to stop ... and he did.

Ugh.  This is why I usually hold the remote control. 

It inevitably happens to me every year.  I sit down to watch television at some point during the holiday season and I get roped into watching one of these horrible claymation Christmas movies.  And every year, as if I have Alzheimers, I forget how incredibly bad the movies are and get somewhat excited to see them re-emerge for the Christmas season.  And every year, 5 minutes into watching one of the movies, I want to kill myself.

Usually when I voice any kind of opinion against anything having to do with Christmas, someone will tell me that I'm a scrooge.  But I'm not a scrooge.  I don't hate Christmas.  I just think that its kind of a pain in the ass. 

When I discuss these movies with other people, they sometimes have the balls to tell me that these movies are classics.  HA!  You've got to be kidding me.  I think that we, as a society, need to start doing a better job of differentiating between what is a classic and what is just an old piece of shit.  The Godfather is a classic.  Raging Bull is a classic.  Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer is an old piece of shit!  Or we can do cars:

1956 Chevrolet Bel Air - CLASSIC1964 Ford Mustang - CLASSIC1978 AMC Pacer - OLD PIECE OF SHIT

Claymation movies aren't classics - they're the equivalent of the Pacer.  They're old pieces of shit that should have been discarded years ago. I have yet to see one that was any good.  Know why?  Cause they're meant for little kids.  All little kid shows are supposed to suck for the adults watching them (except Yo, Gabba, Gabba - I could watch that shit all day).  Little kid shows are completely over the top.  Ever seen Hannah Montana or The Suite Life of Zack & Cody?  The kids in them don't even play characters.  They play caricatures.  Their behavior is inhuman, and its creating little monster children who are almost as annoying as the television programs themselves.

My biggest problems with the claymation movies?  Well, for starters every character looks like its retarded.  Just look at the picture.  Both the elf and the reindeer look like they got skimped on a few chromosomes.  And their voices are always either high-pitched and nasally (if they're good) or extremely baritone (if they're evil).  Its obnoxiously predictable.  And everyone is too fucking nice.  Claymation movies make The Jetsons look like South Park.

I know I'm taking this a bit overboard, but it drives me nuts that I have to keep watching these pieces of shit year after year.  I wish they would just get them off of the t.v. to never be seen again.  And I'm tired of being called a Scrooge because I can't stand watching a program that isn't entertaining in the first place.  How strange of me to turn on my television set out of a desire to be entertained. 

Yet people accept Rudolph the Red Nose Reindeer as a "classic" because it creates an atmosphere of nostalgia so that they can look back on their childhood memories from that time of year.  Here's the deal: if you want to be nostalgic, go get an old photo album and give me the damn remote.