Tuesday, December 28, 2010

A Good Friend Inspires a New Segment on The Daily Anything

So I have this buddy named Spencer, a good friend of mine from Saint John Fisher.  We played soccer and basketball together all through college, but we didn't start spending a lot of time together until our senior year when we moved in just down the hall from one another.  Spencer is one of the smartest people I've ever met - a lit major with a great analytical mind, and quick with a joke when the situation calls for one.  He is a little hyper-active and always competitive, which makes him fun to hang out with even in non-competitive situations.  He's always trying to win everything, whether its a basketball game or a battle of wits.  In some ways, he kind of fits the description of the people I'm about to describe.

I'm not writing about Spencer because I'm trying to sniff his throne, but because I want to fill you in on the context of what I hope will become a recurring segment on The Daily Anything.  Ya see, Spencer developed a lot of unique one-liners - quips that you couldn't understand unless you were part of his circle.  If any of you have ever heard me call someone "Sheeps" or yell "Pull!" like a skeet-shooter, those lines are creditable to Spencer.  But he was famous for one other line - a line that I still use to this day even though I haven't seen Spencer since Seaway Festival '08.  Its a line that I use when someone is:

A) over-excited about something,

B) over-competitive, or;

C) out of control, in one way or another.

When someone is guilty of one of those things, you will frequently hear me utter the words, "Relax, Gary!" 

To tell someone who is not named Gary to relax is a very simple joke, with a very simple premise.  It implies that since people named Gary are frequently guilty of one of the infractions listed above, and you are currently guilty of one of those things, you must be a "Gary".  Anyone can be a Gary, even if they're not named Gary.

Think the correlation doesn't work?  Think its bogus that all Garys are guilty of those infractions?  Well, noone has ever been able to show me a Gary who wasn't guilty of one of those things.  In my own life, I have a neighbor named Gary who is guilty of C, a cousin named Gary who is guilty of B, and a guy who I graduated with who is guilty of all 3.  Or if we look to celebrities, we can find more examples.  As far as I can tell, the most famous Garys are:

Gary Busey
Gary Coleman
Gary Condit 
Gary Shandling
Gary Sheffield

A crazed film-actor with a metal plate in his head, a black midget who was famous during the 80s, lost his fame and eventually ran for governor of California in 2003, a former United States senator suspected of the murder of one of his aides with whom he was having an extra-marital affair, a shitty comedian whose had entirely too much plastic surgery, and a steroid-using former baseball player whose controversial career included having been shot while trying to rob a convenient store.

The theory holds true.  I defy you to find a Gary who doesn't fit the mold.  It just can't be done.

And so I'm introducing a new segment for The Daily Anything.  It is simply titled:

"Relax, Gary!"